


Beneath the Surface

by delible_ink



Series: Heal and Slow [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Dissociation, Emotional Support Cleric Caduceus Clay, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Self-Harm, Spoilers, clayleb - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 22:09:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20553464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delible_ink/pseuds/delible_ink
Summary: Caduceus sits watch alone, and takes stock of what's transpired for the Mighty Nein recently, as they set out to rescue Nott's husband. In his quiet meditative space, he notices he's not the only one awake.A prequel to Forests, Fires. Spoilers for episodes 49 & 50TRIGGER WARNING: This work has explicit descriptions of self harm and dissociation, hence the mature rating. Please exercise caution if you are reading this and recovering from PTSD, or have personal connection to dissociation or self harm that might be triggered by descriptions.





	Beneath the Surface

Caduceus liked the quiet here. His staff cast a soft glow that reflected off the crystals in the cavern around him. Millions of brilliant lights danced across the stones. He decided to stay on watch, even though they didn’t need it, just so he could enjoy this.

A lot had happened in the last 24 hours. There was a lot to think about. Nott--or did she want to be called Veth? She has a husband, a child. He thought on all he’d seen of her in these last months. That loss was a heavy weight to carry. And now she had to race against time to try to save her husband, a husband who might not even know her. She had tasted a bitter death, and was given new life as a punishment. Caduceus’ stomach turned at the thought of such an abuse of the gift.

Then there was Caleb. Bren.

Caduceus had tried to give Caleb space. He could hear how difficult it was to tell this story, so he tried not to hear, to just drive the cart as they went. But a person with Caduceus’ perceptive skills didn’t miss much, even when they tried to. He got the essentials: Caleb was trained as a child in the military of the empire. A promising warmage whose superiors had done terrible things to him, using him for experiments. Who knows what else. It made him shudder. And then he...broke? Caduceus didn’t fully understand what that meant. Or rather, what Caleb meant by it. People break in a lot of ways. Whatever happened to Caleb made him change his name, run, hide. And he was still running, still afraid. 

Caduceus inhaled deeply and looked over their small camp. The lights really were beautiful. They made everything look as if it were dancing, even the sleeping forms of his friends. But the lights on Caleb seemed off. Caduceus squinted in the dim glow. That wasn’t the light. Caleb was shaking. Caduceus lifted an ear and listened. He was muttering. Crying? Caduceus wasn’t sure, but it didn’t seem right. Carefully, he crawled over, and sat cross-legged facing Caleb. 

Caleb’s face was half buried in his bedroll, contorted in pain. His words were in Zemnian. His eyes were open, but unseeing. His arms were twitching, digging.

“Oh, Caleb.” 

Caduceus felt his heart lurch in his chest. Caleb was clawing deep, bloody furrows into his arms.

* * *

  
  


Caleb tried so hard to keep his past life separate, away from the person he was now, until he had the power he needed to set things right. But too much had been dredged up. Caleb could either deal with it, or it would deal with him. The latter happened. Caleb’s mind slid away the moment he laid down.

_ “Mama! Papa! No. What have you done? What have I done? Get them out. Go back! Get them out!”  _

_ Astrid and Edowolf pull him away, dragging him from the house. _

_ “Bren this is foolishness. They are traitors. Leave them!” _

_ “No-they are not traitors! They are my parents! I have to save them! I have to go back--Astrid, please! Wulf, let me go back! Help me! This isn’t right. This isn’t real! They never, they never…” _

_ The rest dissolved into screams, flames, a blur of dark days, a cell in an asylum. Alone. Alone. Always alone. Make it stop. Get them **out**.  _

* * *

Caduceus placed both of his hands on Caleb’s arms, feeling the slick of blood and the raw skin. Caleb’s hands continued to push against him, moving mechanically. Caduceus cast healing to close up the wounds and prevent new scars. He felt the old ones still beneath. He pulled Caleb’s hands off of his arms and held him by the wrists.

“Caleb,” He whispered. “Caleb, it’s Caduceus. Can you hear me? Are you with me?”

Caleb’s hands slowed, and then stopped, finding no more purchase. His eyes darted around cautiously. 

“Cad--? Caduceus?”   
Relieved, Caduceus pulled Caleb into his lap. Caduceus was surprised at how light the man was. He held him firmly, providing pressure that he hoped would be calming. “You’re safe, Caleb. I’ve got you.”

Caleb shook his head “Nein. No. I’m not. They’re not.” He sobbed into Caduceus’ shirt. Cad saw a hint of the child Caleb must have been before they broke him. He was beginning to understand what Caleb had meant about breaking, and it was terrible.

“Caleb, who’s not safe?”

“They’re dead. It’s all my fault, Caduceus. All my fault. They’re dead. I--I killed them, but I didn’t, I didn’t know. It was...” The rest of his words were lost in tears. He hid his face and clutched Caduceus tightly.

Cad stroked Caleb’s hair. “Caleb, I am so, so sorry. What happened to you is not your fault.”

Caleb didn’t respond.   
“Bren, it’s not your fault.”

At that, he looked up, and sought Cad’s eyes. 

“It’s not your fault, Bren.You were a child. You were a child and what was done to you was monstrous. Whatever you did, it is not who you are. It is not who you will be.”

Caleb’s breathing slowed.

He shook his head and spoke slowly, trying to calm his gulping tears. “There’s no Bren anymore. I can’t be  _ Bren _ anymore. Bren is dead. Bren is nothing. Bren is...my nightmare.”

“Then will you be Caleb? I’m happy with you, whoever you are. Just be. Please.”

Tears began to fall silently down Caduceus’ face. “Caleb, what happened to you?” he whispered, pressing his face against Caleb’s hair.

“I...I can’t. Caduceus, I can’t. It’s not--”

“That’s alright. I’m sorry. Rest. You don’t need to tell me. But please, Caleb, as much as you can, try to believe me. I care about you, and this was not your fault. You’re not a monster.”

Caleb cried in silence for what could have been hours, or minutes. This was familiar to Caduceus. He knew very well how to sit with someone in grief. His tears fell silently on Caleb’s head, and he hummed softly to comfort him. 

“Please don’t leave me alone.” Caleb whispered.

“I won’t. We won’t. You won’t be alone anymore.” And as Caduceus spoke the words he realized he was saying them to himself, although they were meant for Caleb.

“Are you comfortable?”

Caleb nodded. He was exhausted, and a little embarrassed, but barely functioning within himself. He had nothing left to put towards addressing shame. He just wanted to stay here and not think anymore.

“Good.” Cad said kindly. “Then sleep. Let me help you. You’ll feel more like yourself in the morning.”

He continued to hum, and held Caleb until he was sure he was asleep. He laid him back onto his bedroll, and carefully cleaned up the drying blood from Caleb’s hands and arms as well as his own. He laid down beside Caleb and took his hand. Blearily, Caleb opened one eye.

“In case you need help in the night. Just squeeze my hand. I’ll be here to help.  
  
You’re not alone.”

**Author's Note:**

> From what we know in cannon, Caleb was a child raised to be a weapon and subjected to a variety of abuses. I wanted to create a realistic portrayal of what a person in Caleb's position might experience after what happened in Felderwin, and after discussing his past with the party. Hopefully this reads true to character. And freaking bless Caddy. That man is magic.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
